What is Radical Kindness?
Do you remember the old adage, "Treat people how you want to be treated?" In psychology, this is known as social reciprocity theory or reciprocity of social influence, the scientific premise that we are more likely to treat people how they treat us and vice versa. Radical kindness suggests that we take our old friend social reciprocity theory and treat everyone with kindness. You might be asking, what if they aren't nice to me?
Let's explore the nuances of living our life from a place of deep care, how kindness can fundamentally alter the way we relate to one another, and even personal examples of radical kindness at work in our own lives.
Radical Kindness: What Makes it "Radical" and Where Do We Draw the Line?
Let's start by differentiating kindness from behaviors that often mimic kindness like politeness and civility.
Social Norms
Social norms are another old psychology friend - the set of behaviors that a group agrees to in order to continue functioning as a society. For example, waiting in line. Not running red lights. Shaking hands(a Western social norm). Drinking tea in the afternoon in very particular ways(a Brit social norm). Not sending that rude email we typed out to Andy from accounting. These are all social norms.
However, social norms - what some of us might define as politeness or civility - don't originate from a place of compassion, or truly caring about another person's inner experience. They come from wanting to belong to society and to keep the status quo. Most of our social norms are so ingrained that we don't even think about doing them.
True Kindness
When we're kind to others, we're considerate of their inner experience. We truly care about learning what life is like for them without needing anything in exchange. This can look like saying hi, carrying someone's groceries, or asking about their well-being. Kindness given without needing anything in return promotes a deeper sense of connection and belonging than our everyday social norms.
Kindness can be considered radical when we give it to those who may not be kind to us. When we open our hearts to the possibility of being hurt by being kind to those who may not be kind to us, we are showing radical empathy and compassion.
Boundaries
However, we each reserve the right to decide how much kindness is too much and where we draw the line. Kindness can have a big impact on people's lives - but we shouldn't give at cost to our own wellbeing and health.
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The Potential of Radical Kindness
You've probably heard someone say once or twice as well, "What would the world look like if we were all kinder to one another?"
What would it look like? In fact, what would it look like if we were kinder to ourselves? Practicing radical kindness whenever we can - whether that's once a day, once a month, or even once a year - has the potential to change the way we relate to one another.
Remember social reciprocity theory? If you're kind to someone, they're more likely to be kind to you. In fact, they may also experience an increased capacity to be kind to others. Again, there should be no false illusions about what one small act of kindness can do. Can it change someone's day? Absolutely. Will you heal every trauma someone is living with? It's very unlikely.
Consider that if we could each soften our hearts a little bit with kindness, it might be easier to be more gentle with each other on a daily basis, approach new challenges and difficult situations with an open mind, and become more emotionally resilient.
No, your kindness may not fix everything for someone - but it could be the balm that a weary soul needs. It could be the laugh that shines light into a dark day.
Showing kindness to those who may not be able to give it back also demonstrates faith in humanity's inherent goodness. And to do that is to be a light for others. Take, for example, this excerpt from a 2022 blog below.
Alex's Reflections on Radical Kindness in the Midst of Covid-19
I love this blog from the United Kingdom's Carnegie Trust about kindness, not only because it is co-written by a dear friend, Julie Brownlie (along with co-author Simon Anderson), but also because it reminds me of the advice given to me in the 1980s as I embarked on nurse training in Scotland.
The grandmother of my oldest childhood friend, herself a nurse, counseled me to 'always give more kindness than is necessary' to the patients I cared for.
At the time, I barely understood what this might mean, but tried to bring the notion of 'giving kindness' front and center to my practice as a nurse. And, over the years, I observed how patients deeply appreciated what seemed to me to be 'small acts of kindness'—like taking time to brush their hair, listen to patients talk about their families, holding their hands as they underwent a procedure—and to notice how uplifted I felt, as a nurse and as a human. For me, kindness in the context of health and healing cultivated social and emotional connection.
It feels as though we currently live in painful times, but this blog reminds us about the non-obligatory nature of kindness, its animating qualities, and the way in which its practice draws us closer to others. As Buddhists teach, kindness is a practice—something individuals and collectives can choose to actively engage in, moment to moment, day to day.
How much more would we all choose to practice kindness in private and public life, if, as the Scottish government has done, it was prioritized as a core national value?
How Kindness Spreads In Community
Research shows that we're more likely to take up acts of kindness when we witness others performing them. Despite age differences, the activity performed, or where someone saw a kind activity done(e.g. they observed it on TV, in person, or heard about it on the radio), people were by and large more likely to perform generous acts after hearing about or seeing other people perform generous acts.
The bottom line was that "people model kind and healthy behavior," lead researcher Haesung Jung commented. As humans, we have the power to affect change simply by being kind. And when we act in a community, the change can be amplified tenfold.
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We should never pour from an empty cup. But when we can exercise our kindness muscles, all beings stand to benefit. The Write Medicine community offers well-being tools, kind colleagues, and supportive mentorship. Are you interested in breaking into CME/CE Writing? Take this 4-minute quiz to find out your strengths and weaknesses.
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